The Man Behind the Blog

My last entry was a look back at where I was and how I got here. I am sure some are wondering why I am talking about myself so much because I always figure it helps reading something on the ‘Net that you know something about the person. Sure, I am just guy that have experience a lot and the surface of that has been barely shown here on this blog or on Skype. One thing is constant, I am asshole. I make no qualms about it. I can be unforgiving. I could explain why, but I am not getting that personal over the ‘Net. That requires a level of trust which I don’t have with anyone anymore. It isn’t what most you think either; it isn’t my divorce. It is part of it, but it isn’t the whole story.

To put this simply this blog here is a very small part of who I am. I am a pretty lay back kind of guy until something bothers to me to point where I feel the need to say something. Does that get me into trouble? Yeah, it gets me into trouble a lot and not just on ‘Net.

While I do make mistakes and apologize for them. I will only apologize once afterwards because to keep saying you are sorry is begging. I don’t beg. You want begging? Get a dog because they are happy to do it. I don’t beg anyone’s forgiveness. I say I am sorry and move on. I don’t make false apologies either. When I say I am sorry, I mean it. It isn’t just lip service for anyone. In fact, it doesn’t matter to me if you accept my apologies or not because I said I was sorry for myself more than the person that has the problem with me. It is telling me there is something for me to learn and grow from this experience. While I agree that always apologizing is a bad thing, never apologizing is worst because you are only hurting yourself. I don’t expect anyone to apologize to me because that means I am waiting for someone to grow up and that’s a waste of my time.

I also will stop dealing with people who I feel are completely negative, except Dan Slott. I do surround myself with positive things to keep me focus on what is really important. I know I can be hard to deal with sometimes because I am chosen outlook on life, but I can’t go back to being wishy washy milksop that I was in 2000. That guy was a fucking dumbass and didn’t give a fly fuck about himself as a person. I will never be that person again. I am not saying I am selfish prick, in some ways I am, but I am saying that I will not let myself to be quiet when I think something is wrong. I do get burned for that, but I don’t ever regret doing that because I feel that is the right thing to do no matter what happens. If I made a mistake, I admit it and move on.

Well, there you go. You have a basic idea of the person writing this or happen to talk to on Skype sometime. I am asshole….By the way did I mention that I am an Eagle Scout also? I follow the Scouting Laws and apply them to life. That should help even more when dealing with someone like me. Well, that is going to be it about me for a very long time because the next posting will be about comics again because I want to do a rant of who Peter Parker is in my opinion. I hope you had a great Holiday Season. Until next time……….

P.S. I know my posts are extremely long about things, but I try to give you a complete thesis on the subject I am doing. In other words, reading is good and too much video is bad. ;-)

Father's Failure

I have wanted to say something that is very personal and well painful for me. Those that know me know that I have children and one of them lives with me. I am very proud of my son because he is better than me. He strong of will and mind and will go far in this life. I have 3 other children. My oldest hates me because quite frankly I failed him. My other son remembers me, but he hates me also because I failed him too. My daughter doesn’t know me because I failed her also as a father.

I made a choice. A choice that I will have to live with for the rest of my life and it hurts every day. To explain, my children were being used as weapons to hurt me by my ex-wife. I saw the effect it had on my children and the harm it was doing to them. I chose to stop and for better or worst let them be so they had a chance. Yes, I could have force the issue called the cop and enforce my parental right, but the cost of doing that would be too high for me to bear. Children of a nasty divorce end up having major problems and that needed to be avoided at any cost even their love of me. I watch from afar as they grew up. Sneaking to my son’s track meets and my daughter’s school functions without being noticed by them. Leaving before they were over so they wouldn’t see me because I didn’t want their mother to see me. I will never know if it was the right thing to do for them, but I couldn’t bear to see them being used as weapons to hurt me.

I look at my choice as a way to give my children a choice to grow up and be functioning adults. I live with that pain in my heart every day of my life because they are never too far away in my thoughts and dreams. That is my failure and my cross that I had to bear for last 3 years. Now, things have change and a battle is coming. I have been preparing for this battle for the last 3 years and will spend all my time and energy to get my children back. To see them with the full force of the legal system behind me, and be damn the consequences to me because it is time to fight. I love something a let it go for a while, and now it is time to reclaim it with gentle hands.

“If I don’t like the game, I change the rules.”

I say that a lot when I get angry because it means things are about to change for the worst for someone. No, I am not angry so don’t worry this is going to be a rant filled with curse words…well maybe a few.

I always lived my life since I come to a self realization that treating people the way you want to be treated only goes so far in this world. You have to get mean sometimes. You need to get down and dirty to get your point across, whatever that point maybe you are trying to get across. You could say that you need to get in mud with the pigs sometimes to show them that they are nothing but bacon waiting to happen.

Anger is a useful emotion if you know how to use it in a productive manner. You could buckle under the pressure or those people you want to change you from who you are, or you can fight. I chose to fight mostly. I am not saying I am unwilling to change certain behavior, but I am not going to change who I am as person so that person can feel good about themselves. Fuck’em, it is their lost in not trying to get to know the person a little before making them a project.

People aren’t projects for someone to change. You either accept who they are or don’t. Simple isn’t it? Case in point, there is someone on the Web I think is a total ass. I mean he does nothing but stir the pot to get his rocks off, but that childish behavior is amusing to some. I find it boring and quite frankly annoying. No, this is person isn’t Dan Slott. Sheesh. He won’t give any more of my attention here unless he does something about it. No, this person, as someone would put it, is an asshat. Those don’t know what an asshat is: You have your head so far up your ass that it is an hat: They think they know everything, but they are not experience to realize that there is more to a single side to a story in the world.

I do get angry with people that I would consider friends. Mostly due to the fact they say the same thing over and over again. I agree with mostly with what they are saying, but saying ten thousand times doesn’t make your point any more valid. I know, I am guilty of this too, but I have right to point this out about anyone or myself. It is my blog bitches.

I also get angry if someone makes me look like an ass after I have taken steps to show that I made a mistake. Let it go already. I apologized and move on. Deal with it on your own and leave me out of it because I see my involvement with the issue being done. Don’t ask, I won’t tell what happen.

Since I broach the subject, you people don’t know who I am really. Sure, some of you talked to me. You don’t know everything about me and there is a reason. I don’t trust anyone completely. Sadly, I did that once and got hurt really bad for it. No, it hasn’t healed because it hasn’t ended yet. Some things are best to keep private about myself and not lay it out there for the vultures to pick over with glee. There other thing not so painful that I haven’t brought up because I don’t want anyone’s fucking pity to shown to me. I really hate when people do that to me. I am stronger than most people realize and tougher than old leather. Battles are fought that will never be won. Wars are won with words and not anger. Life is a painful trip taken by those that have courage to fight those battles and win wars with words.