Father's Failure

I have wanted to say something that is very personal and well painful for me. Those that know me know that I have children and one of them lives with me. I am very proud of my son because he is better than me. He strong of will and mind and will go far in this life. I have 3 other children. My oldest hates me because quite frankly I failed him. My other son remembers me, but he hates me also because I failed him too. My daughter doesn’t know me because I failed her also as a father.

I made a choice. A choice that I will have to live with for the rest of my life and it hurts every day. To explain, my children were being used as weapons to hurt me by my ex-wife. I saw the effect it had on my children and the harm it was doing to them. I chose to stop and for better or worst let them be so they had a chance. Yes, I could have force the issue called the cop and enforce my parental right, but the cost of doing that would be too high for me to bear. Children of a nasty divorce end up having major problems and that needed to be avoided at any cost even their love of me. I watch from afar as they grew up. Sneaking to my son’s track meets and my daughter’s school functions without being noticed by them. Leaving before they were over so they wouldn’t see me because I didn’t want their mother to see me. I will never know if it was the right thing to do for them, but I couldn’t bear to see them being used as weapons to hurt me.

I look at my choice as a way to give my children a choice to grow up and be functioning adults. I live with that pain in my heart every day of my life because they are never too far away in my thoughts and dreams. That is my failure and my cross that I had to bear for last 3 years. Now, things have change and a battle is coming. I have been preparing for this battle for the last 3 years and will spend all my time and energy to get my children back. To see them with the full force of the legal system behind me, and be damn the consequences to me because it is time to fight. I love something a let it go for a while, and now it is time to reclaim it with gentle hands.